NEW: How Do You Know When a Flukewoman Is Having Her Period? Author: aka "Jake" Rating: PG-13 (for one aroused skunk ape) Classification: PMS-Fic? Summary: What do poltergeist, parascience and PMS have in common? Disclaimer: Do these characters really belong to Chris Carter, FOX and 1013 Productions? If so, no copyright infringement intended. Fun, yes. Profit, no. Authors Notes: Written for Haven's 500 Words of PMSing Challenge, although this is closer to 1000 words. How Do You Know When a Flukewoman Is Having Her Period? By aka "Jake" The dashboard clock flickered from 8:08 to 8:09 p.m. Scully and Mulder were traveling east along a deserted stretch of Highway 20 in northern Nebraska. With no sign of civilization in sight, Scully shifted in the passenger seat, an intensifying ache in her abdomen warning her she would be starting her period soon. "Stop at the next gas station, please," she said. Mulder's focus slid from the road to the gas gauge. "We have a full tank." "I need to use the bathroom." She lifted her purse and waved it at him. His eyebrows climbed, while his mouth pursed into a perfect "O." They'd been partners for a little over a year and he was a big boy -- he knew she had periods. Not because she morphed into some sort of X-File-ish monster every twenty-eight days, but because she never tried to hide the fact. It was a natural bodily function. One that needed attention...sooner rather than later. The car's highbeams illuminated an upcoming sign. Merriman, 30 miles. Damn it. If Mulder hadn't insisted on stopping in Chadron to visit the Museum of the Fur Trade, they'd be in Merriman by now. He yawned and loosened his tie. Slouched behind the wheel, he appeared completely at ease in his own skin while she wanted to crawl out of hers. He had no idea how lucky he was. Rather than count mile markers, she reached for the bag of fur trade souvenirs he'd bought at the museum gift shop: a copy of "The Mountain Man Sketchbook" and a reproduction beavertail knife. She withdrew the book and, tilting it toward the dash lights, paged through it without interest. He kept his eyes on the road. "Some parascientists believe that menstruation, menopause, and sexual frustration intensify subconscious psychokinetic energy." Under ordinary circumstances, she found Mulder's interest in the unusual a positive trait; it served them well in their work and at times could be endearing. But did they have to go through this every damn month? She closed the book and tried to rein in her annoyance. "Ah, but which came first, the poltergeist or PMS?" He smiled. "In August of 1977, Janet Harper of New London, age thirteen, and her brother Pete, age ten, were awakened when their beds began 'jolting up and down and going all funny.' Thus began a string of PK activity in the Harper home." "And this is significant because...?" "Pubescent Janet Harper had started her period the day before." Irritation mounting, she asked, "That's your proof that menstruation is connected to PK?" "Not unequivocally. Janet's mother, Peggy Harper was a divorcee in her mid-forties. The PK could've been a result of her sexual frustration." He plucked a sunflower seed from a small pile on the console and popped it into his mouth. "Some of the paranormal literature posits that women are capable of enhanced extrasensory perception when having their periods." She gritted her teeth. "Try reading my mind right now, Mulder." He crunched his seed and said, "Hey, there was a recent report of a skunk ape sighting in an RV Park in Ochobee, Florida." Finally, he was changing the subject. "A skunk ape?" "Mm-hm. It frightened two Swedish women who were guests there." "What happened?" "It appeared out of the bushes near their rental car in an obvious state of arousal." "Obvious in what way?" "They claimed it had a fourteen-inch-long erection." "Not something you see everyday." "No...well...that's not really my point." "What is your point?" "The RV Park owner, David Shealy, said he expects more sightings because it's skunk ape mating season and he believes the creatures are attracted to the scent of menstrual blood. Evidently the Swedish women--" "One more word about menstruation, Mulder, and I swear I'll hurt you." He blinked at her, then glanced nervously at the bag in her lap. "Can I have my knife back, please?" She felt a pang of guilt. Her annoyance was due to a reduction of estrogen and progesterone in her body, normal fluctuations that precipitated the onset of her period. It wasn't Mulder's fault she was feeling bloated, crampy, and crabby. If he would just shut up-- "Hey, Scully, how do you know when an elephant is having her period?" Oh, for crying out loud... "You told that joke last month." "Did I?" He was quiet for a moment. "How do you know when a flukewoman is having her period?" Rather than feeling angry with him, she found herself oddly comforted by Mulder's predictability. He remained constant, no matter what the circumstances, while she routinely teetered upon the emotional seesaw of her menses. The situation wasn't fair, but it was nature's way, an unavoidable physical reality. She tossed his beavertail knife into the back seat to avoid temptation. Her irritability would pass in a day or two when her hormone levels began to rise again. "Flukes are hermaphroditic, Mulder. They have complex reproductive systems, capable of internal fertilization, but they do not have periods. I, on the other hand, do. So please get me to a bathroom." "Have you there in a jiff. I'll even buy you a Snickers, if you like." "Make it a Dove Bar and I'll tell you about a recent scientific study that disproves the correlation between the phases of the moon and the timing of a woman's menstrual cycle." He flashed her a wide grin and pressed the accelerator to the floor, throwing her back in her seat and causing the engine to roar. END