Title: TRUEST TRUTHS Author: aka "Jake" Rating: NC-17 (Adult Themes, including Rape, Language) Classification: V Keywords: RAPE, MSR Spoilers: "Irresistible," "Trust No 1" and a teensy-weensy nod to "Je Souhaite" Summary: What if the unthinkable once happened to "Dana"? Years later, how would "Scully" cope? Disclaimer: Do these characters really belong to Chris Carter, FOX and 1013 Productions? If so, no copyright infringement intended. Fun, yes. Profit, no. Authors Notes: "Trust No 1" -- the title, the monologue and also Mulder's use of Scully's first name in his email (referring to the often hidden persona of "Dana"), along with two threads on Haven: one about the lasting effects of rape and a more recent one about Scully's seemingly split personality -- conspired to pull these words from my heart. This tiny vignette is dedicated to all of us who have walked too near the edge of darkness, and, for a while, lost ourselves. Do not read this story if you want to bask in the afterglow of "Trust No 1." This has almost nothing to do with that storyline, and may affect your enjoyment of the episode. This story is about rape. Please, consider yourself warned. TRUEST TRUTHS By aka "Jake" -x-x-x-x-x- OFFICE OF DR. KAREN KOSSEFF JANUARY, 1995 "You think you find a way to deal with these things. In med school, you develop a clinical detachment to death. In your FBI training, you are confronted with cases, the most terrible and violent cases. You think you can look into the face of pure evil. And then you find yourself paralyzed by it." "Dana, are you aware you've been talking about yourself in the second person?" "No. Was I?" "Do you know why?" "Probably as another way of trying to detach myself from it." "You're a strong person. You've probably always felt you can handle any problem yourself. But you feel vulnerable now. Do you know why that is?" -x-x-x-x-x- APARTMENT OF DANA SCULLY APRIL, 2000 The truth is Mulder never ordered you to "Get on your knees." He never said, "Swallow it all or I'll shoot you in the fucking head." He never said these words to you at all. He says things like, "I can't believe you don't want butter on your popcorn." You like your popcorn plain because salt and butter sticks to the back of your throat...tastes like anger and fear and that cold, rainy night when you knelt...and swallowed...it all. And then the other guy said, "My turn. Bend over." But Mulder never said those words. He says unbuttered popcorn is un-American, only because he doesn't realize...doesn't know about... The truth is, Mulder has never pulled your hair or torn your clothes or split your lip. He never left you for dead, wishing you were dead, because it would have been a hell of a lot easier than getting up off the muddy ground and going home to your mother and trying to explain to her that you...were... (swallow it all...) To this day, you can't fill your plate because the idea of all that food in your mouth is too damn much, too damn much, too DAMN MUCH! So you dish out manageable portions and still leave half behind, because you don't want to swallow it all. Thank god, Mulder never asks about your half-empty plate. Sometimes, after you vacuum the carpet in your bedroom, you avoid walking on it because you don't want to leave footprints in the nap. Sometimes, you sleep on your couch rather than step on your newly vacuumed carpet. Jesus. You know it's crazy. But sometimes, for just a few hours, you need to avoid going there. Once you almost yelled at him for messing up the freshly vacuumed carpet by walking on it. Walking on the carpet! For Christ's sake, where's he supposed to walk? But jesusjesusjesus the tracks...the tracks look just like the tracks in the mud that night when you finally stood up and staggered home to your mother, your insides on fire and your mouth tasting like buttered popcorn. Your dentist says you should stop brushing so hard because you're wearing down the enamel of your teeth at the gum line. And your doctor says that you keep getting yeast infections because it's not good to douche twice a day. Yes, yes, you know all about "beneficial" bacteria, but still... It's not that you're obsessive-compulsive. You don't count the number of steps between the parking garage and your building, or quadruple-check your door locks each night before you go to bed. You're good at your job, and you and he have a good relationship. You do. He never says, "Get on your knees," although you have knelt and gone down on him. It's nothing like...before. He never says, "Swallow it all." He never even asks why you don't. "Why don't you tell him, Dana?" your therapist asks. Tell him? That you were contaminated? Ruined? What if the idea sickens him as much as it sickens you and he thinks you *are* your rape, sees you as nothing but a raped woman who swallowed it all and then bent over for more...oh, god, oh, god, oh, god? Sometimes you hate yourself so much you want to rip off your own skin, just dig your nails in and tear it off. What if he feels that way, too? "What happened wasn't your fault," your therapist says. "I know," you answer and in your head you *do* know, but your body doesn't seem to get the point. So you vacuum your bedroom carpet *again* and brush your teeth hard, hard, hard and when he brings you a plateful of food, you feel like throwing up. He asks, "Too much?" "Yes," you say, and return to the kitchen to fix a new plate, a clean, almost-empty plate. He never says, "Swallow it all..." He just says "Sorry," his own mouth full, his fork poised above his plate, his brow furrowed by a lack of understanding. Once when he was feeling amorous, he asked if you wanted to try something new. "New?" "You know...kinky." "How kinky?" "I dunno. Nothing dangerous." He smiled. You broke out in a sweat and thought, it's all dangerous. "You don't want to dress up in my lingerie, do you?" "Yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of sex on the kitchen table." He was teasing about the lingerie and you appreciated his playfulness so you went along with the kitchen table idea. Everything went fine until he asked if you might want to try some food-play, since you were so close to the refrigerator and all. (swallow it all...) "I don't know, Mulder. It could get messy." "I'll help you clean up." He licked his lips and then licked yours. "What's in your fridge, Scully? Got any chocolate sauce, whipped cream, peanut butter?" Swallow it all, swallow it all... "Some other time, Mulder? Okay?" "Sure." He kissed you. He made love to you. He brought you to a climax -- twice -- before coming himself. Maybe you should tell him. Maybe he will understand, won't blame you, won't think you are less or dirty or... No, it's probably better if he thinks of you only as "Scully " -- competent, strong, un-sullied. That's who you are now anyway...most of the time, right? Bury the hurt, swallow... ...it all. (on your knees...) Thank god, he never says these words to you. He claims he loves you, and you believe he's not lying only because he doesn't know the real you -- "Dana," damaged, weak, ineffectual. He knows and loves "Scully." Right? "Dana?" His nose is buried in your hair, his lips brush the lobe of your ear. He is curled around you in your bed, and you have the comforter pulled up to your chin. Two sets of footprints mark the vacuumed carpet from the door to the bed, but you're getting pretty good at letting them remain right there in plain sight. After all, his words aren't their words and his taste isn't their taste and the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice, his gentle, soothing touch isn't theirs. Your insides are on fire, but it's not the way it was on that night, nothing like that night, the opposite of then. Did he really call you Dana? "Hmm?" "I love you, Dana." That's not possible. Is it? "Mulder...?" Do you dare? Do you dare? ("...or I'll shoot you in the fucking head.") He never says these words, so...do I dare? "There's...there's something I need to tell you." -x-x-x-x-x- "The truth is not found in science or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart, and in that moment you will be blessed and stricken, for the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart." -- Scully in "Trust No 1" -x-x-x-x-x- END